Hi, my name is...well, not Margo, or Morgan, but that's not really important for this. Sorry for the confusion. I didn't mean to start off like this.
You see what I did there? And that's just the tip of the apologetic iceberg.
Apologies come in a variety of forms. While trying to get to the bottom of my over-apologizing habit, I dedicated time to learn the five most common types.
1) Remorseful Apologies
A truly remorseful apology accomplishes two goals: identifies the harmful action or behavior, and acknowledges that it hurt someone else. Therefore, it should have two parts. "I'm sorry that I wasn't paying attention when I opened the door and you were standing in front of it. I recognize that my opening the door too soon smushed your foot at the bottom, and I feel remorse for harming you in any way. I'm so sorry."
The truth is, most apologies won't have this ideal structure. Emotions can flood, embarrassment can take control, and people get flustered. When I accidentally hurt someone else, I feel more than general remorse. I feel completely worthless. At the end of the list, we'll revisit this example and go over what an incident like this would look like in my lens. But for now, let's go on to the other four types.
2) Regret Apologies
These are somewhat tricky. A regretful event would be one in which the behavior is acknowledged to have hurt another person, but the subject doesn't take responsibility for the hurt as something they would change. The best examples of this in my life would be in my work as a doctor—occasionally, medical tests are uncomfortable. We can say, "I'm sorry that this test made you uncomfortable. It's necessary to find out how else we can help you."
We acknowledge that the patient was hurt, but have deemed our behavior to be of greater benefit than the negative consequence to the patient—an uncomfortable or even painful sensation. It's not that these apologies are disingenuous, but they certainly don't have the kind of impact of the first one on the list.
3) Empathy Apologies
This type of apology is meant to show compassion for another. Perhaps someone has lost a loved one, or has recently been diagnosed with a disease. We can say, "I'm so sorry for your loss." It's an apology—but not one that acknowledges behavior on the part of the subject.
4) Social Harmony Apologies
This is related to an empathy apology, in that it serves less to acknowledge an action by the subject themselves, but motivation plays a big role here. This could also be easily renamed, "Keeping the Peace Apologies".
"I'm sorry you misinterpreted what I said. I genuinely did not mean to offend." It's noted in some of the sources I've looked at that this kind of apology may actually be more harmful in the long term, because there really is no ownership. One person has hurt feelings, but the person they claimed caused the hurt doesn't feel responsible. They might apologize, but since the specific behavior is barely acknowledged, pressure stews underneath. This is particularly poignant in workplace relationships, so it is important to understand that misunderstandings and miscommunications may be more difficult to fix in order to truly keep the peace.
5) Harmless Error Apology
This is one that is given by the subject when no real harm occurred. Let's say you go to lunch with a group of three friends. You are offered a table with four chairs. If you move to take a seat just as one of your friends touches the same chair, it might result in this:
"I'm so sorry, I didn't know you wanted that chair." The subject feels their behavior may have been harmful, even though it was truly harmless. The friend might laugh it off and move away, since there are enough chairs for everyone.
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Thanks to https://pollackpeacebuilding.com/blog/the-5-different-types-give-an-honest-apology/ for the quick guide to the 5 types of apologies.
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Now that we've gone over the five main types of apologies, let's revisit the scenario from the Remorseful Apology example.
In my case, opening a door into someone else would probably go something like this:
"Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry I hurt your foot. I pushed the door and...I swear I couldn't see you on the other side because...oh, it doesn't matter. Are you okay? What can I do? Here, please come sit down. God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I did this. Please forgive me."
The person, who probably had no worse than a stubbed toe, could laugh off the incident and tell me not to worry about it. Yet I would continue to grovel, hold in my tears, and go home with a sickening twist in my stomach. I'd replay the incident in my head all night. A week later, I might look up the person's name online. I might try to find their social media, just so I could send another apology.
This is the birth of the over-apology, or as I'd like to call it:
6) Apologizing for Existing
I don't remember a time when I didn't over-apologize. I've been told by my psychologist husband that my tendency to do this is heavily related to my growing up in an abusive household. I've also been told it's part of my personality type, INFJ. Apologizing for existing is easily identified as someone who apologizes for, well, everything.
"I'm sorry I bothered you." "I'm sorry I talked your ear off today." "Sorry to be such a fuss." "Sorry I wore the same color you did to the Christmas party." "Sorry I stayed a little too long." "I'm so sorry you have to listen to me." "Sorry. Sorry. Just, sorry, okay?"
The subject truly feels their behavior is deplorable—worth apologizing for. But how many of us know people like this? How do you handle their behavior?
More importantly—does this sound like you?
The reality is, people who are abuse survivors often use this as a defense mechanism. It's how they were able to keep themselves safe and under the radar in the past, and don't know how to stop feeling like they're taking up space. I often describe this feeling to my husband as a sense of, "Needing to earn the air I breathe." I can't help wanting to apologize when I feel like my mere presence is a burden.
I logically know that I'm not a burden. But my heart and my terrible anxiety say otherwise. As of yet, I have not found a cure for this. Though I wrote this little blog post in hopes that someone else out there would know what it's like to feel like their lives are sprinkled in unanswered "Sorrys"—the kind of inner dialogue that says we MUST say something to make up for our mistakes, even if we haven't made them.
To you, I say—you are forgiven. Eat a cookie.
Love to all. Be kind.
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